HOKEY COKEY

I'm expecting the fuzz to come knocking on my door at any minute. This is for crimes I committed many years ago when I was barely a teenager. You see the local methodist chapel (Patmos Chapel) sometimes had social evenings. Often the night would come to an end with dancing the Hokey Cokey. Now I learn this is an anti-Papist hate activity. We certainly weren't made aware of that at the time although perhaps the insider elite knew what they were doing. My grandmother actually had a thing about "church people" (she meant Church of England) so perhaps she was in on the secret too. As Alan Cochrane has pointed out in his comment on the matter many thousands of people have enjoyed the fun knowing nothing about the alleged origins of the song. Now everyone does know perhaps some people will use it as an instrument of hate. At the next Old Firm match I wouldn't be surprised if it was sung with extra vigour. In case anyone missed the story the name Hokey Cokey is alleged to come from "hocus pocus" which in turn is a skit on the words of consecration "hoc est enim corpus".

Was a little amazed yesterday to see that we in UK are being advised to wrap our Christmas presents in cloth rather than wrapping paper. It seems a lot of gift wrapping paper can't be recycled and if people stick in the paper recycling bins the whole lot counts as being contaminated and off it goes to landfill. Well I think it probably is helpful to know that — it's certainly not made clear at the recycling receptacles in our local Tesco. I assumed the press got hold of this story from some guy in a government ministry with not much else to do. But no!! The message comes from an agency (quango) set up by the government. It's called "Waste and Resources Action Programme" — acronym "WRAP". Last year it cost the taxpayer around £80 million. Think about it. UK is almost on its knees, a total breakdown (well it's getting that way) of law and order, and the hard-pressed taxpayer is expected to trump up £80 million to pay a bunch of quangocrats to tell us how to wrap our prezzies. These are the sort of people the country can do without.

CHRISTMAS CHEER

Young children of Arthur Bugler School (Stanford-le-Hope, Essex) spent a long time rehearsing for an appearance in the Corringham Winter Festival. Then they had to pull out because their Christmas carols did not, in the view of the event's organizer, "dovetail" with the festival's theme. Carols are too religious.

At Southwold in Suffolk people have been dashing into the sea on Christmas Day often in fancy dress. Last year £8000 was raised for charity. This year nothing because the Health and Safety wallahs have decided it's too dangerous. The heavy costumes might pull people into the icy depths where giant squid are lying in wait to devour them. Of course it's very cold and these are adults so I would imagine they're not going to swim far out to sea or hang around too long. And of course they're having fun and helping others. Gordon Brown and his Presbyterian friends can't have that.

And Stephen Coulter has ordered his Dorset congregation not to sing the well-known carol "Little Town of Bethlehem" because the iamge it evokes is different from the political situation of present-day Bethlehem. I have some sympathy for this but can't help feeling it's a little over the top. Some of these well-known hymns and carols are an important part of what binds people to the Church.

JEWELLERY IN SCHOOLS

Recent press reports say that Kioni Lansbury, a 12-year-old girl, has been ordered by her school not to wear a "purity" ring — which she says she wears because she favours sexual abstinence. The school in question is The King's School at Ottery St Mary in Devon.
Well sexual abstinence is not a bad thing for a 12-year-old to believe in. And I see no reason why schools should not forbid pupils to wear jewellery. After all when I was a pupil over 50 years ago I was expected to wear a funny cap on the journey to and from school — to be doffed if I met a teacher. And as recently as the mid-1990s I worked in a school that had problems with girls' uniforms. The sixth-form girls were allowed to wear any appropriate dress in lieu of the school uniform that younger pupils were expected to wear. Needless to say some pushed the boundaries and wore things totally ridiculous in a school/work context such as miniscule skirts or pretty dresses more suitable for a night-club. As the appropriate/inappropriate boundary is rather indistinct and hard to enforce it was pointed out that it would simpler to go back to an "everyone wears uniform" rule. In the same way a rule forbidding jewellery altogether stops those who might decide to wear tiaras or earings dangling 5 inches below their ears.
But what annoyed me about this school was the reason they gave. The head teacher is quoted as saying "Kioni cannot wear the ring because it would be extremely dangerous in PE, technology, or science lessons" (usually this argument is also applied to cookery classes). Really? If schools are such a dangerous environment perhaps all pupils should be forced to wear hard hats and yellow jackets. This is the Health and Safety Brigade at work again. I have some knowledge of school science teaching and I know that many female science teachers do not remove their rings or other jewellery on entering the laboratory. And after a spell of supply teaching I can say the same of cookery teachers. The fact is that this school does not want female pupils to wear jewellery and are seeking to justify that attitude with a totally spurious reason. I'm surprised they haven't found a reason connected to global warming which is another phenomenom used to justify all sorts of things.

GANNET ORPHAN

Have just watched the local news on BBC Scotland which devoted several minutes to the fate of a gannet marooned on Bass Rock after its parents flew off to warmer climes. I asked my wife how they knew the bird needed rescuing and was told that if I'd listened properly I'd have known that they'd been watching its every move because it was tagged. I'm surprised whoever looks after the fish hasn't been given prime air time to complain that one of their main tormentors has been saved. I expect that in recent weeks a good number of birds have died within a hundred yards of my garden. How are they being remembered? Why was nothing done to save them? I suppose if a millionaire heiress leaves all her estate to the RSPB specifically for the benefit of Bass Rock gannets that's her privilege but even so why do those BBC morons think it merits so much airtime?

HOUSE OF COMMONS

Have just watched Michael Martin's statement today on the police intrusion into an MP's office in the Palace of Westminster. It is totally clear that he and the Serjeant-at-Arms connived in this intrusion. He says he wasn't told they needed, but didn't have a warrant. For God's sake if the principal officer of this country's prime legislative body knows nothing about police powers then who does. This wretched Scot, who should have been impeached many moons ago, is but a puppet of the Metropolitan Police who in turn are puppets of the Labour Government under our Dear Leader ( a term more appropriate to North Korea) Gordon Brown. Some reports suggested that about 9 anti-terrorist officers were involved in Damian Green's arrest and search of his office and home. Well I'm sure the wimps would rather do that than tackle real terrorists.

ROADSIDE FOOD

Guildford branch of the SS — sorry I mean the borough council's Environmental Health has threatened not to renew the licences of roadside traders who do not have the council approved items of healthy food on the menu. The traders are the sort of "greasy spoon" outlets that park in laybys and offer such things as hamburgers, cheeseburger, hot dogs, pies, sausage and all the things that they know they can sell because this is what their customers (one trader says his customers are lorry drivers, builders, scaffolders) want to eat. These people provide a useful service and some go round our industrial wastelands selling at the factory gate or just next to the office. The council wants people to have healthy food so any sausage should be low-fat (=tasteless), grilled (not fried) and served with wholemeal bread. Jacket potato with a selection of fillings is another. The menus will be checked during routine hygiene checks. Well I have no problem about throwing away the licence of unhygienic traders who are caught sticking their hands in a cholera infested lavatory bowl or wiping their bottom before handling food and spreading typhoid all over the place. But this new initiative is a total abuse of their powers. Encouraging people to eat healthily is fine (though a lot of money is being thrown this way) but dictating to them isn't. Now the country is going to the dogs perhaps we could save a bit of money by getting rid of some of these council workers.

RUSSELL BRAND

For reasons which I am unable to fathom Russell Brand seems to be a successful "star" and his mate Jonathan Ross is one of the BBC's most highly paid performers. This puerile couple recently put what they considered funny messages on the answering machine of Andrew Sachs who used to appear as Manuel in Fawlty Towers. The level of the one-sided exchange can be judged by the fact that Russell bragged that he had shagged Mr Sachs's grandaughter who is in her early twenties. As I don't follow the gossip columns I don't know whether he's telling the truth or not but a report today suggests that he quite often boasts on air about his sexual conquests. Under pressure the pair made an apology of sorts though it was almost an insult in its own right. But what is truly amazing is that the programme was recorded and the BBC chose to broadcast it. Are we really paying our licence fee to an organisation which thinks this sort of "prank" is OK? I'm sick of being told that the purpose of the TV licence is to ensure that the BBC can produce high quality programming. Clearly it doesn't. What sort of staff do they employ? The sooner the BBC staff get their P45s the better.

In the same vein, but not just a BBC issue, is the whole subject of foul language on television. Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay both host shows in which foul language is the order of the day. Lots of ordinary people do not like it. Complaints are coming not from geriatric prudes or virginal nuns but from normal people. Men and women who may well swear themselves at times but don't want the stuff tumbling out of their telly into their front room. Especially if they have children.

BBC GAELIC

So tonight was all set to watch Tudors — a good bit of escapism even if not historical fact. And what do I find? For 90 minutes of TV prime time (starting 9 pm) we have a Gaelic program. Of course if those bastards (I'd say c**ts) at the BBC had any any responsibility at all to their providers they would never have done this. But there they are safe in the knowledge that what ever they do they will get their cash from every household in the kingdom. Every other company has to provide what customers want but the BBC are free to follow their political agenda. Why the hell can't al-Qaeda drop a bomb on BBC centre instead of targeting the ordinary hard-working people of Britain. Simple — the BBC men (and women if under 45) are their friends.

SCHOOLING

The new class of pupils entering English secondary schools this year will now have to stay on until 17 instead of the previous 16. I'm amazed. Every year examination results have improved out of all recognition at both A-level and GCSE. This is partly because children are much cleverer than in my days and partly the result of excellent teaching. Surely the sensible response to this surge of knowledge would be to reduce the leaving age. Children could leave at 15 and still know as much as 16-year-olds in the bad old days.

WELLINGTON BOOTS

Today I'm returning to Chichester District Council where "the man in the street" is off limits. Within their little kingdom was a metal bin which fell into a stream (4 inces deep) and rubbish started to pour out. The vice-chairman, David Barnard, of Harting parish council rang the department at Chichester DC which dealt with fly-tipping. He was told they could do nothing as they had no-one "qualified to wear wellington boots". In the end the men of Harting PC did the job themselves. I didn't know it was possible to get a qualification in wellington boot wearing. Do shoe shops now ask for the diploma when you buy a pair or does the rule only apply to council/government workers.

CHILD-MINDING

It seems that lots of child-minders are giving up. Some are regarded by Ofsted, the education quango, as "inadequate". Many give red tape and bureaucracy as the reason for giving up. The have to jump through hoops and have their criminal records and so on checked. And on top of that they now have to work to a curriculum. EYFS is the Early Years Foundation Stage and sets out what the under-fives should be doing. For hundreds of years mothers at home have brought up their children without any such formal guidelines. Many will have introduced an element of learning into their child's pre-school life. But I believe this new initiative is OTT. It merely gives Ofsted a chance to extend its empire, adds more petty bureaucrats and red tape into the lives of people who were minding children quite well - making sure they didn't run into the road or fall into the garden pond.

PC LANGUAGE

Chichester District Council (in Sussex, a southern English county) have issued guidelines that staff should not use the phrase "the man in the street" as a way of indicating the average person. "General Public" is the preferred term according to the guide. "Manning the switchboard" should be superseded by "staffing the switchboard". Our local authorities have too much of our money to throw away on such projects and too short of important other things to do. Why not "de-man" the councils and let them find a proper job.

OLYMPIC JUNKET

The British team in Beijing is just over 300 athletes. A figure dwarfed by those who are tagging along for the ride. The BBC are sending over 430 staff at a cost to the taxpayer of around £3 million. The London Development Agency are sending only 13 but again the cost is given as £3 million apparently because they have hired a private members club in the city for the duration. Then there are various government and local government contingents. And two police forces although I'm not clear why Dorset need an input; and the Met must have plenty of crimes to solve at home. I expect they'll all have a wonderful time.

PLATFORM SMOKING

A woman was this week thrown on to a railway track. Apparently she accosted two men who were smoking on a station platform in spite of notices saying smoking was forbidden. They threw her on the track and she was fortunate that other passengers got her back with only minor cuts and bruises before the next train arrived. Also she missed the live rail (electrified track). Well the men's response seems more than a little extreme but perhaps the experience will teach her not be such a busybody. As far as one can tell from TV images of the station the platform was wide open to the elements so smoking could not really be a problem any more than it would be in Raigmore Hospital car park where smoking is also forbidden.

HACKERS

Gary McKinnon who hacked into US Government computers causing untold damage has lost his appeal against extradition in the House of Lords. He may be sent across the Atlantic quite soon and reports say he could be jailed for up to 60 years. Good. Personally I would be quite happy if all hackers and spammers were dealt with severely and if our police, politicians, and judges refuse to tackle the problem then they should let someone who will take over.

BBC AGAIN

Recently it came to light that the BBC had been faking winners of competitions and other frauds. Viewers sometimes entered competitions which the BBC knew they had no chance of winning. In some cases members of staff posed as "winners" and in other cases names of winners read out on air were fictitious. In one case listeners to a radio programme thought they were responding to a live show when in fact it was pre-recorded. Viewers had been cheated. Ofcom has now imposed a fine of around £400,000 on the BBC. Except of course in reality they have fined the viewing public as the money will doubtless come out of the extortionate license fee that every owner of a TV has to pay. It would have made more sense if the wretched watchdog had ordered an immediate reduction of license fees in the future and possibly a few sackings to boot. I would have thought there were grounds for criminal prosecutions against some individuals but perhaps everyone who works for the BBC belongs to one of the "special" groups that the police are reluctant to tackle.

GLASGOW EAST

So the SNP won the seat much to my delight although I have to say watching TV and seeing their candidate John Mason arrive at the count he seemed a bit of a prat giving victory salutes before the result was announced — there was in fact a recount so he had quite a long wait before it was official. Margaret Curran only has one snout but had she won she would have been able to put it in two troughs as it seems she was unwilling to resign her seat at Holyrood.

CEREDIGION COUNCIL

Thank heavens some councils will stop at nothing to protect the nation's health. Gordon Williams is a painter and decorator who has a van which he uses to take things to work and also for other things. Recently he went on a small errand to buy tea bags. He lit a cigarette and was promptly hauled over the coals by council jobsworths and fined for "smoking in the workplace". Not unreasonably he says that he does not work in his van and it can hardly be classed as a "workplace". This is sort of nonsense which is being funded by the hard-earned council tax of ordinary, decent, working people. If Hitler came back perhaps he could look to Ceredigion council for finding suitable henchpeople.

SPANKING

Some of the press are having a bit of a field day with Max Mosley who is suing News of the World for invasion of privacy. To simplify, it seems a number of women were caned, spanked, disciplined whilst he yelled at them in German. And of course in some minds German = Nazi. It seems all participants were consenting adults so I don't really see the problem. In fact the idea of a bare bottom, knickers pulled down, ready for spanking is quite titillating. And what's wrong with a little role-play? After all it's not unusual for these kind of games to involve pseudo- nurses, pseudo-doctors, pseudo-coppers, pseudo-firemen so why not pseudo-Germans or even, horror of horrors, pseudo-Nazis? I hope Max gets his damages.

BATS IN THE BRA

Just came across a report on the BBC website here in which a teenage girl found a bat in her bra. She removed it. Can this be right? I was under the impression that if you found bats in your attic you had to give them full possession and not disturb them under pain of instant death. The little critters are, like great crested newts, protected. If I find a bat in my knickers can I kill it, defenestrate it, declare it homeless or do I have to keep it warm and cosy forever.

GORDON BROWN

Following on from my previous remarks about Gordon Brown's request that we should throw away less food I see he is now at the G8 summit. On day 1 the assembled world leaders and their womenfolk attended a 6 course lunch and an 8 course dinner. I don't know how much food was wasted (perhaps some scraps were handed out to the African leaders who had not been invited to the banquet) but this sort of junket is paid for by the very people Gordon is haranguing.

BBC AGAIN

Just watched the evening (6 pm) bulletin on BBC1. Gordon Brown reportedly stated that we Brits throw away too much food. That information took about 30 seconds. The bulletin then went on for a further 10 minutes with a report on food wastage in Britain. One woman courageously said she didn't feel at all guilty about ditching food she no longer wanted. Good for her because neither do I. Not all that long ago we were hearing about EU wine lakes and butter mountains because our politicians were encouraging farmers to produce crops nobody wanted to buy. Wine was converted to vinegar. But my point is that all this is documentary and emphatically not news. And it's preachy which to my mind means self-defeating. And of course it's nonsense to suggest that because someone in Tunbridge Wells throws away a carrot someone in Africa starves.

And following on from that although I live in Scotland the BBC transmitted to me the local London news from 6.30. to 6.50. But of course it doesn't matter how incompetent these people are because they get the tax (TV licence fee) irrespective of performance.

BBC SCHEDULING

So today, at least from late afternoon, all the BBC TV schedules are all to cock. If you went to to your local cinema to watch the advertised "Superman" film and then as the curtains opened you found they had decided to screen "Sound of Music" instead you could well be extremely annoyed. You might want your money back. If the cinema was in fact a complex of small screens and they announced that they'd switched "Superman" to the place next door you might still be upset. If the cinema kept on doing this sort of thing people would go to a more reliable cinema and managers at the first cinema would be sacked or it would go out of business. BBC schedulers are very incompetent but of course that doesn't matter because although nothing tonight was screened at the time advertised on the channel advertised this is not a commercial organisation. The company get their cash and the managers their salaries (+ bonuses) even if nobody gets to watch what they want to watch. English Heritage are trying to make sure BBC Television Centre gets preserved for the nation. We need to ensure this wretched organisation (BBC I mean, but much the same applies to English Heritage) comes to a quick end along with all its managers.

WESTMINSTER GRAVY TRAIN

So yesterday our representatives at Westminster voted on salaries and expenses. Many (well most) voted against reforming the expenses system. Some MPs wanted wanted to introduce a degree of greater transparency in allowances claimed as well as a tighter auditing control. Those who voted to reject such plans include:— Jaqui Smith, Andy Burnham, Shaun Woodward, Paul Murphy, Caroline Flint. Some MPs obviously have the sense to realise that the mass of taxpayers is getting fed up with pushing the gravy train and that the reputation of Parliament in the eyes of the public demands some restraint. Others are totally without shame.

GOLDEN EAGLES

Just watched BBC news from the regions. The Golden Eagle is Scotland's "iconic" (their word) bird. It certainly is a magnificent creature and it would be a pity to lose it. But it seems it's not doing all that well. A pity it can't be eaten as a superior version of turkey as then we would have farmed eagle in the same way that we have farmed salmon and farmed lobster. Never mind Scottish National Heritage (SNH) is on the case and they're a bit worried about the eagles. Some smug employee came on screen to tell exactly how worrying it is. Of course if these SNH employees weren't being fed with a bottomless pit of taxpayers' hard-earned cash they might themselves be on the way out and a good thing too. People working all hours in the dark satanic mills of Scotland just so these assholes can go prancing over the hills worrying about a few birds.

BBC NON-NEWS

Not long ago watched the BBC 6.00 pm news. About 10 minutes in we had a lengthy report on the National Health Service (NHS)and were told that as it's 60 years since the 'birth' there will be a report every day for a week. Of course this is just an excuse for the BBC to roll out old footage and every minute spent on this documentary material is one minute less of hard news. Presumably all the people at the BBC have GCSEs in media studies or even degrees in media studies so it is a little amazing that they are unaware of the difference between news and documentary. Except perhaps it's not surprising as any fool can pass media studies at whatever level.

TOASTER

Last March I bought a toaster from Tesco made by Breville. It had 4 slots. From the start it never worked properly because one side of each slice was toasted more than the other side. A simple visual inspection revealed that this was because the wires on one side of each slot got lighter (=hotter) than the other. For heavens sake it can't be all that difficult to make a toaster so that all the wires heat up equally? Breville sounds a bit Italian so perhaps this is something the I-ties can't manage. Anyway about three weeks ago the 2 leftmost slots failed totally and last week the whole caboodle stopped working. This toaster sold by Tesco and made by Breville stopped working after less than 4 months use. For goodness sake this is a toaster not a mobile phone or something complicated. The Inquisition were toasting people 300 years ago. I have to say Tesco promptly replaced the machine but if Breville make cars I must remember not to buy one. By the way if "Breville" is just a fancy pseudonym of some UK company that would explain it. We no longer teach physics, mathematics and classics properly but everybody is into media studies and the like. Hence no decent engineers.

BBC & ENGLISH HERITAGE

The BBC are hoping to sell their Television Centre which was built around 1960. After all they don't make many programs now as much of their output is dreary old repeats. But there's a fly in the ointment in the shape of our old friends English Heritage. EH want to have the building listed which may well make it more difficult to sell and if anyone does go ahead and buy there could well be restrictions on what they can do with it. A new doormat will probably need planning permission in triplicate. The main purpose of EH is to make life difficult for normal people at the expense of normal people.

BBC

Just watched the BBC 6 o'clock national news. A short bit (very short and easily missed) piece about the Tory win (and Labour disaster) in the Henley byelection was followed by a long piece about Gordon Brown's popularity going over the last year of his time as prime minister. Interesting in a way but decidedly NOT news. The trouble with these people at the BBC is that their noses are so far up the Labour bottom that their brains are fill of shit. What is so difficult about the concept of "news" as relating to events in the last couple of days? Their lapses into documentary means that real news is not being fully reported.

And then we had a piece about the costs of the monarchy - BBC employees are republican wallahs to the hilt. I suspect the present Queen and her likely successor, Prince Charles both have a sense of duty to the nation which would be totally lacking in (say) Tony and Cherie Blair as President and First Lady. And I have no doubt that this wretched couple would be an even greater drain on the workers' purse.

ZIMBABWE

Yesterday Gordon Brown was talking tough on Robert Mugabe. But just talking — no doing. A pity he can't be tough on the ruffians and scoundrels who roam the streets of our cities.

CIGAR BOX SOUVENIR

So the Metropolitan Police are on the case of yet another master criminal! A robber? rapist? murderer? fraudster? No, it's none other than the Mayor of London Boris Johnson. He visited Iraq in the aftermath of the invasion and was strolling round the looted rubble of Tariq Aziz's mansion. He then saw a cigar case lying with all the rubbish on the floor and picked it up and put it in his pocket as a souvenir. Hardly worth mentioning when one considers what else was going on in Iraq at the time. But he did happen to mention this in article he wrote. Someone from the Labour Party saw the article and realizing a great crime had been committed informed the Met. Of course they're only too happy to put manpower and time (= taxpayer's money) into this as it means the squad involved won't have to tangle with real villains for a while. And Tariq Aziz wrote to Boris telling him he was happy for Boris to have the case as a gift.

ENGLISH HERITAGE

The local council describes Birmingham Central Library as a "blot" and wants to pull it down. Freddie Gick, chairman of the Birmingham Civic Trust calls it a "brutalist incinerator" though he may have been influenced by Prince Charles who in the past likened it to an incinerator suitable for burning books. Step in English Heritage who want to have the building listed. That means like the pyramid of Cheops it will be preserved for all time. Except that whereas the pyramid lasted for thousands of years because the pharaohs employed decent architects the library is likely to keel over in less than half a thousand years unless endless amounts of public money are spent on it. The jobsworths at English Heritage are the ones who should be pickled in strong brine and preserved for a few years as an example to other meddlers. Go ahead Birmingham — call in the demolition crew.

WESTMINSTER EXPENSES

Well our MPs have now come up with a new fix for their problems with housing expenses. As we know they have been very reluctant to open their expense claims to public view led by Michael Martin. The fix is simple — just look at the maximum that can be claimed annually and add it to the salary of MPs on a no questions asked basis and irrespective of whether it is needed. The amount seems to be around £23,000 pa tax-free which is roughly equivalent to £40,000 pre-tax. Discussions are still taking place so it has not been finalised and I gather HMRC have been involved in the discussions because of the tax implications. As far as I can make out the amount just replaces the housing allowance so there will still be other expenses eg for staffing and secretarial help. Now most of our legislation comes from Brussels perhaps we could reduce the burden on a long-suffering public by cutting the number of MPs drastically.

BRITISH AIRWAYS

So Naomi Campbell has been given a community service sentence for "abusive" behaviour towards British Airways (BA) staff on on aircraft at Heathrow's Terminal 5 prior to take-off. Well BA, one of the world's worst airlines, had lost her bag. She was a passenger/customer who had paid £5000 for the flight. So quite frankly I don't blame her for getting upset. I would. And as long as police/courts/magistrates continue to arrest/prosecute/punish BA passengers who demand a reasonable service the more BA's obnoxious stewardesses will feel able to continue giving their passengers one of the worst services in the world. Of course our police service would much rather arrest a female model than the hoodlums who now rule our streets. What I really find amazing is that some people still opt to fly on this wretched airline.

CAIRNGORMS

Scottish National Heritage (SNH) is concerned about climate change on the Cairngorm summits. Mosses, liverworts, lichens and bryophytes generally are having a tough time. The insects they support ditto. And hence the birds such as ptarmigans and snow buntings. If they whole lot disappear it won't matter one jot. Just one less thing for SNH to worry about and one less reason for supporting this bunch of leeches on the public purse. When a few years ago they built a railway to (almost) the top of Cairngorm itself it fed into a cafe where one could spend money on refreshments and souvenirs. But the public couldn't leave the railhead area to walk the short distance to the very top in case they stepped on a newt or a ptarmigan. Neither could they walk down as some might be inclined to do. This is to help ensure that only important scientists can enjoy the hills to the full. Not quite true as anyone was allowed to walk up but then to spite them they weren't allowed into the tea area to enjoy a snack. Or, if they were tired, to go down by train. SNH is one of the quangos that exists to make life more difficult and less pleasant for normal people.

MINISTERIAL SECURITY

So Hazel Blears, a Cabinet minister, has had her laptop stolen from her office. Reports suggest that apart from information about her constituents there were also files of sensitive government information which should not have been on the computer. Perhaps the solution is to require that every computer belonging to an MP should carry unencrypted files detailing their expense claims for the current session of Parliament. And similarly all bags and briefcases that they carry on public transport or into public places should contain paper hard copies of same. As this is one class of data that many MPs do their utmost to keep under wraps the hope is that they would then exercise a greater degree of care.

MEPs

Yesterday the Sunday press reported that the EU allowances of yet another Tory MEP are being queried. Den Dover may have channeled allowances of up to £750,000 into the family firm MP Holdings which he used as "paying agent" and "service provider". A report in the Sunday Times deals mostly with the purchase of two cars but I would be interested to see where the rest went.

GRAVY TRAIN SCOTLAND

So MSPs have decided they need larger allowances. Most people of course have to persuade their boss or their company for more money (whether basic salary or allowance). But MSPs just do it. Their budget for employing staff is to go up from £45,000 to £62,000. And because Scotland has a form of proportional representation they have decided that all MSPs will get the same whether a constituency MSP or a "list" MSP. The independent review thought that the former (who are elected, whilst the latter are just party jobsworths) should get more because they have a bigger workload — after all if a constituent has problems it is their constituency MSP they are likely to contact. But the MSPs have decided that all should be equal — no second-class coaches on this gravy train.

GRAVY TRAIN FOR MEPs

MEPs seem to make good use of their expense allowances and it seems that David Cameron is a little concerned about what might emerge. He wants the 28 Conservative MEPs to come clean but almost half of them are resisting (Daily Telegraph 9th June). Today the same paper reveals that a Labour MEP paid his boyfriend £8000 per month in 2002. He now pays £30,000 annually to the man personally but it is unclear what happens to the remainder of the allowance. Since 1999 he has claimed over £760,000 and it is believed that it was given to his boyfriend, now civil partner, to administrate. Scumbags.

POLICE TARGETS

Good to see that a senior officer has criticised target-driven policing which is sometimes allowed to replace common sense. Peter Fahy (Chief Constable for Cheshire) says police should concentrate on real offenders rather than getting ticks in boxes by dishing out easy cautions. He says that minor playground incidents are sometimes ending up with criminal charges when in former days they would have been dealt with informally or ignored altogether. Another senior officer is reported as saying "the only league table that really counts is what people in our communities think of their police force".
A recent Policing Review by Sir Ronnie Flanagan mentioned a child being arrested for throwing a slice of cucumber from a tuna sandwich at another child. And a peacock damaged a car by pecking at rubber seals. I don't think peacocks can be arrested in this country but the form-filling and box-ticking must have taken up time which would have been better spent elsewhere. The owner is lucky it was a peacock and not a newt (or at least a great crested newt). In that case our nature conservation quangos would have demanded a 100 yard no-go zone cordoned off around the car until the newt had eaten the lot or gone off to find a better home.

CRAZY WORLD

Reading last Saturday's Daily Telegraph I had to check the date wasn't April Fools' Day. On page 3 we see that the scum at English Heritage bought and upgraded a mansion house for over £7 million and are now selling it for around £4.5 million. This quango employs thousands of people to spend taxpayers' hard earned cash on pointless projects.

Another page tells us of a plan to stop the branding of cigarettes. All packets will be printed in plain black and white. I remember when I was a youngster going through a spell of collecting fag packets - the red and white Craven A packs, green Woodbine that you could buy in packs of 5, Camel, Senior Service, Kensitas and literally hundreds of others. As another anti-smoking initiative is to put cigarettes under the counter instead of on open display I don't see how the pack design makes any difference. Just means that shops may have a problem finding space and their staff will be bending down rooting in dark cupboards. No longer will a customer be able to spot the brand he/she wants and point it out - "Look, it's up there on that shelf near the right, the dark red packs".

On page 5 we read that a taxi driver has been unable to renew his licence because his command of grammar doen's stretch to the proper use of apostrophes. He seems to think that knowing his way round Bournemouth and being able to handle late-night drunks is a more important skill but the jobsworths at Bournemouth soon put him right there.

And at the other end of the UK at Falkirk in Scotland a major retail development worth over £100 million has been delayed for 25 weeks because a janitor claims to have seen a great crested newt - the furthest north such a creature has ever been recorded. In spite of an intensive search no-one else has been able to find either the creature itself or even a suitable habitat for it to live. Scottish National Heritage are on the case spending taxpayers' money to ensure that evolution does not take it's natural course.

When I got to page 10 and saw the headline I thought common sense had won in the end. "Somebody had to face the firing squad" it declared. But no, it was another cruel joke. English Heritage, Bournemouth Council, SNH, and the smoking police are still alive and kicking.

PENALTIES FOR ASSAULT

In Scotland new guidelines issued by the Crown Office have advised that people accused of "minor" assaults (apparently defined as those requiring less tha three stitches) should no longer be prosecuted before a court but be subject to a fine of up to £300. Previously a court might, and often did, hand down a prison sentence. Our police are rapidly becoming little more than tax-collectors. Politicians, prosecutors, the legal profession, lily-livered judges are failing in their duty to the public. And on my way back from the newsagent's shop there is a notice attached to a lamp-post advising me that it is an offence to drop litter and I could face a fine of £2000. Pity I'm the sort of person who doesn't go round knocking old ladies on the head as it looks like a cheaper hobby.

OLYMPIC TORCH

The torch continues its progress around the world after some farcical scenes in London and Paris. I have every sympathy with the people of Tibet but feel little antipathy towards China. My ire is directed at the whole idea of the Olympic Games. I was against the idea of them coming to London in 2012. Current events may be a warning that the experience may not be a happy one in spite of the vast expense. Clearly it suits our empire-building politicians and the sportsmen themselves.

LUNT

The English village is having some minor problems because yobs and vandals are changing the road signs by replacing the first letter with a "c". Martyn Ball thinks the name should be changed to "Launt". It seems to me this will solve nothing as it assumes that it will not occur to the yobs to cross out the "a" after replacing the "L". But more basic is that this is giving in to the yobs — once again they will have won. Needless to say the man is an ex-police officer (and a prospective councillor) so the idea that an effective police force should apprehend these vandals and punish them is outside his ken. It's nice to see that some villagers with a sense of history don't want to make a change. A pity horse-whipping is no longer an option

ZIMBABWE

Quite a lot of pious outrage in the UK press about Mugabe and the recent elections. The signs are that like Wendy Alexander he's pushed electoral procedure to its legal limits and like Michael Martin and the Conway guy he's probably done well out of expenses. But if British politics continues on its present path it will not be long before we are the new Zimbabwe.