CAIRNGORMS

Scottish National Heritage (SNH) is concerned about climate change on the Cairngorm summits. Mosses, liverworts, lichens and bryophytes generally are having a tough time. The insects they support ditto. And hence the birds such as ptarmigans and snow buntings. If they whole lot disappear it won't matter one jot. Just one less thing for SNH to worry about and one less reason for supporting this bunch of leeches on the public purse. When a few years ago they built a railway to (almost) the top of Cairngorm itself it fed into a cafe where one could spend money on refreshments and souvenirs. But the public couldn't leave the railhead area to walk the short distance to the very top in case they stepped on a newt or a ptarmigan. Neither could they walk down as some might be inclined to do. This is to help ensure that only important scientists can enjoy the hills to the full. Not quite true as anyone was allowed to walk up but then to spite them they weren't allowed into the tea area to enjoy a snack. Or, if they were tired, to go down by train. SNH is one of the quangos that exists to make life more difficult and less pleasant for normal people.

MINISTERIAL SECURITY

So Hazel Blears, a Cabinet minister, has had her laptop stolen from her office. Reports suggest that apart from information about her constituents there were also files of sensitive government information which should not have been on the computer. Perhaps the solution is to require that every computer belonging to an MP should carry unencrypted files detailing their expense claims for the current session of Parliament. And similarly all bags and briefcases that they carry on public transport or into public places should contain paper hard copies of same. As this is one class of data that many MPs do their utmost to keep under wraps the hope is that they would then exercise a greater degree of care.

MEPs

Yesterday the Sunday press reported that the EU allowances of yet another Tory MEP are being queried. Den Dover may have channeled allowances of up to £750,000 into the family firm MP Holdings which he used as "paying agent" and "service provider". A report in the Sunday Times deals mostly with the purchase of two cars but I would be interested to see where the rest went.

GRAVY TRAIN SCOTLAND

So MSPs have decided they need larger allowances. Most people of course have to persuade their boss or their company for more money (whether basic salary or allowance). But MSPs just do it. Their budget for employing staff is to go up from £45,000 to £62,000. And because Scotland has a form of proportional representation they have decided that all MSPs will get the same whether a constituency MSP or a "list" MSP. The independent review thought that the former (who are elected, whilst the latter are just party jobsworths) should get more because they have a bigger workload — after all if a constituent has problems it is their constituency MSP they are likely to contact. But the MSPs have decided that all should be equal — no second-class coaches on this gravy train.

GRAVY TRAIN FOR MEPs

MEPs seem to make good use of their expense allowances and it seems that David Cameron is a little concerned about what might emerge. He wants the 28 Conservative MEPs to come clean but almost half of them are resisting (Daily Telegraph 9th June). Today the same paper reveals that a Labour MEP paid his boyfriend £8000 per month in 2002. He now pays £30,000 annually to the man personally but it is unclear what happens to the remainder of the allowance. Since 1999 he has claimed over £760,000 and it is believed that it was given to his boyfriend, now civil partner, to administrate. Scumbags.

POLICE TARGETS

Good to see that a senior officer has criticised target-driven policing which is sometimes allowed to replace common sense. Peter Fahy (Chief Constable for Cheshire) says police should concentrate on real offenders rather than getting ticks in boxes by dishing out easy cautions. He says that minor playground incidents are sometimes ending up with criminal charges when in former days they would have been dealt with informally or ignored altogether. Another senior officer is reported as saying "the only league table that really counts is what people in our communities think of their police force".
A recent Policing Review by Sir Ronnie Flanagan mentioned a child being arrested for throwing a slice of cucumber from a tuna sandwich at another child. And a peacock damaged a car by pecking at rubber seals. I don't think peacocks can be arrested in this country but the form-filling and box-ticking must have taken up time which would have been better spent elsewhere. The owner is lucky it was a peacock and not a newt (or at least a great crested newt). In that case our nature conservation quangos would have demanded a 100 yard no-go zone cordoned off around the car until the newt had eaten the lot or gone off to find a better home.

CRAZY WORLD

Reading last Saturday's Daily Telegraph I had to check the date wasn't April Fools' Day. On page 3 we see that the scum at English Heritage bought and upgraded a mansion house for over £7 million and are now selling it for around £4.5 million. This quango employs thousands of people to spend taxpayers' hard earned cash on pointless projects.

Another page tells us of a plan to stop the branding of cigarettes. All packets will be printed in plain black and white. I remember when I was a youngster going through a spell of collecting fag packets - the red and white Craven A packs, green Woodbine that you could buy in packs of 5, Camel, Senior Service, Kensitas and literally hundreds of others. As another anti-smoking initiative is to put cigarettes under the counter instead of on open display I don't see how the pack design makes any difference. Just means that shops may have a problem finding space and their staff will be bending down rooting in dark cupboards. No longer will a customer be able to spot the brand he/she wants and point it out - "Look, it's up there on that shelf near the right, the dark red packs".

On page 5 we read that a taxi driver has been unable to renew his licence because his command of grammar doen's stretch to the proper use of apostrophes. He seems to think that knowing his way round Bournemouth and being able to handle late-night drunks is a more important skill but the jobsworths at Bournemouth soon put him right there.

And at the other end of the UK at Falkirk in Scotland a major retail development worth over £100 million has been delayed for 25 weeks because a janitor claims to have seen a great crested newt - the furthest north such a creature has ever been recorded. In spite of an intensive search no-one else has been able to find either the creature itself or even a suitable habitat for it to live. Scottish National Heritage are on the case spending taxpayers' money to ensure that evolution does not take it's natural course.

When I got to page 10 and saw the headline I thought common sense had won in the end. "Somebody had to face the firing squad" it declared. But no, it was another cruel joke. English Heritage, Bournemouth Council, SNH, and the smoking police are still alive and kicking.