ROADSIDE FOOD

Guildford branch of the SS — sorry I mean the borough council's Environmental Health has threatened not to renew the licences of roadside traders who do not have the council approved items of healthy food on the menu. The traders are the sort of "greasy spoon" outlets that park in laybys and offer such things as hamburgers, cheeseburger, hot dogs, pies, sausage and all the things that they know they can sell because this is what their customers (one trader says his customers are lorry drivers, builders, scaffolders) want to eat. These people provide a useful service and some go round our industrial wastelands selling at the factory gate or just next to the office. The council wants people to have healthy food so any sausage should be low-fat (=tasteless), grilled (not fried) and served with wholemeal bread. Jacket potato with a selection of fillings is another. The menus will be checked during routine hygiene checks. Well I have no problem about throwing away the licence of unhygienic traders who are caught sticking their hands in a cholera infested lavatory bowl or wiping their bottom before handling food and spreading typhoid all over the place. But this new initiative is a total abuse of their powers. Encouraging people to eat healthily is fine (though a lot of money is being thrown this way) but dictating to them isn't. Now the country is going to the dogs perhaps we could save a bit of money by getting rid of some of these council workers.

RUSSELL BRAND

For reasons which I am unable to fathom Russell Brand seems to be a successful "star" and his mate Jonathan Ross is one of the BBC's most highly paid performers. This puerile couple recently put what they considered funny messages on the answering machine of Andrew Sachs who used to appear as Manuel in Fawlty Towers. The level of the one-sided exchange can be judged by the fact that Russell bragged that he had shagged Mr Sachs's grandaughter who is in her early twenties. As I don't follow the gossip columns I don't know whether he's telling the truth or not but a report today suggests that he quite often boasts on air about his sexual conquests. Under pressure the pair made an apology of sorts though it was almost an insult in its own right. But what is truly amazing is that the programme was recorded and the BBC chose to broadcast it. Are we really paying our licence fee to an organisation which thinks this sort of "prank" is OK? I'm sick of being told that the purpose of the TV licence is to ensure that the BBC can produce high quality programming. Clearly it doesn't. What sort of staff do they employ? The sooner the BBC staff get their P45s the better.

In the same vein, but not just a BBC issue, is the whole subject of foul language on television. Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay both host shows in which foul language is the order of the day. Lots of ordinary people do not like it. Complaints are coming not from geriatric prudes or virginal nuns but from normal people. Men and women who may well swear themselves at times but don't want the stuff tumbling out of their telly into their front room. Especially if they have children.

BBC GAELIC

So tonight was all set to watch Tudors — a good bit of escapism even if not historical fact. And what do I find? For 90 minutes of TV prime time (starting 9 pm) we have a Gaelic program. Of course if those bastards (I'd say c**ts) at the BBC had any any responsibility at all to their providers they would never have done this. But there they are safe in the knowledge that what ever they do they will get their cash from every household in the kingdom. Every other company has to provide what customers want but the BBC are free to follow their political agenda. Why the hell can't al-Qaeda drop a bomb on BBC centre instead of targeting the ordinary hard-working people of Britain. Simple — the BBC men (and women if under 45) are their friends.

SCHOOLING

The new class of pupils entering English secondary schools this year will now have to stay on until 17 instead of the previous 16. I'm amazed. Every year examination results have improved out of all recognition at both A-level and GCSE. This is partly because children are much cleverer than in my days and partly the result of excellent teaching. Surely the sensible response to this surge of knowledge would be to reduce the leaving age. Children could leave at 15 and still know as much as 16-year-olds in the bad old days.

WELLINGTON BOOTS

Today I'm returning to Chichester District Council where "the man in the street" is off limits. Within their little kingdom was a metal bin which fell into a stream (4 inces deep) and rubbish started to pour out. The vice-chairman, David Barnard, of Harting parish council rang the department at Chichester DC which dealt with fly-tipping. He was told they could do nothing as they had no-one "qualified to wear wellington boots". In the end the men of Harting PC did the job themselves. I didn't know it was possible to get a qualification in wellington boot wearing. Do shoe shops now ask for the diploma when you buy a pair or does the rule only apply to council/government workers.

CHILD-MINDING

It seems that lots of child-minders are giving up. Some are regarded by Ofsted, the education quango, as "inadequate". Many give red tape and bureaucracy as the reason for giving up. The have to jump through hoops and have their criminal records and so on checked. And on top of that they now have to work to a curriculum. EYFS is the Early Years Foundation Stage and sets out what the under-fives should be doing. For hundreds of years mothers at home have brought up their children without any such formal guidelines. Many will have introduced an element of learning into their child's pre-school life. But I believe this new initiative is OTT. It merely gives Ofsted a chance to extend its empire, adds more petty bureaucrats and red tape into the lives of people who were minding children quite well - making sure they didn't run into the road or fall into the garden pond.

PC LANGUAGE

Chichester District Council (in Sussex, a southern English county) have issued guidelines that staff should not use the phrase "the man in the street" as a way of indicating the average person. "General Public" is the preferred term according to the guide. "Manning the switchboard" should be superseded by "staffing the switchboard". Our local authorities have too much of our money to throw away on such projects and too short of important other things to do. Why not "de-man" the councils and let them find a proper job.