CRAZY WORLD

Reading last Saturday's Daily Telegraph I had to check the date wasn't April Fools' Day. On page 3 we see that the scum at English Heritage bought and upgraded a mansion house for over £7 million and are now selling it for around £4.5 million. This quango employs thousands of people to spend taxpayers' hard earned cash on pointless projects.

Another page tells us of a plan to stop the branding of cigarettes. All packets will be printed in plain black and white. I remember when I was a youngster going through a spell of collecting fag packets - the red and white Craven A packs, green Woodbine that you could buy in packs of 5, Camel, Senior Service, Kensitas and literally hundreds of others. As another anti-smoking initiative is to put cigarettes under the counter instead of on open display I don't see how the pack design makes any difference. Just means that shops may have a problem finding space and their staff will be bending down rooting in dark cupboards. No longer will a customer be able to spot the brand he/she wants and point it out - "Look, it's up there on that shelf near the right, the dark red packs".

On page 5 we read that a taxi driver has been unable to renew his licence because his command of grammar doen's stretch to the proper use of apostrophes. He seems to think that knowing his way round Bournemouth and being able to handle late-night drunks is a more important skill but the jobsworths at Bournemouth soon put him right there.

And at the other end of the UK at Falkirk in Scotland a major retail development worth over £100 million has been delayed for 25 weeks because a janitor claims to have seen a great crested newt - the furthest north such a creature has ever been recorded. In spite of an intensive search no-one else has been able to find either the creature itself or even a suitable habitat for it to live. Scottish National Heritage are on the case spending taxpayers' money to ensure that evolution does not take it's natural course.

When I got to page 10 and saw the headline I thought common sense had won in the end. "Somebody had to face the firing squad" it declared. But no, it was another cruel joke. English Heritage, Bournemouth Council, SNH, and the smoking police are still alive and kicking.

PENALTIES FOR ASSAULT

In Scotland new guidelines issued by the Crown Office have advised that people accused of "minor" assaults (apparently defined as those requiring less tha three stitches) should no longer be prosecuted before a court but be subject to a fine of up to £300. Previously a court might, and often did, hand down a prison sentence. Our police are rapidly becoming little more than tax-collectors. Politicians, prosecutors, the legal profession, lily-livered judges are failing in their duty to the public. And on my way back from the newsagent's shop there is a notice attached to a lamp-post advising me that it is an offence to drop litter and I could face a fine of £2000. Pity I'm the sort of person who doesn't go round knocking old ladies on the head as it looks like a cheaper hobby.

OLYMPIC TORCH

The torch continues its progress around the world after some farcical scenes in London and Paris. I have every sympathy with the people of Tibet but feel little antipathy towards China. My ire is directed at the whole idea of the Olympic Games. I was against the idea of them coming to London in 2012. Current events may be a warning that the experience may not be a happy one in spite of the vast expense. Clearly it suits our empire-building politicians and the sportsmen themselves.

LUNT

The English village is having some minor problems because yobs and vandals are changing the road signs by replacing the first letter with a "c". Martyn Ball thinks the name should be changed to "Launt". It seems to me this will solve nothing as it assumes that it will not occur to the yobs to cross out the "a" after replacing the "L". But more basic is that this is giving in to the yobs — once again they will have won. Needless to say the man is an ex-police officer (and a prospective councillor) so the idea that an effective police force should apprehend these vandals and punish them is outside his ken. It's nice to see that some villagers with a sense of history don't want to make a change. A pity horse-whipping is no longer an option

ZIMBABWE

Quite a lot of pious outrage in the UK press about Mugabe and the recent elections. The signs are that like Wendy Alexander he's pushed electoral procedure to its legal limits and like Michael Martin and the Conway guy he's probably done well out of expenses. But if British politics continues on its present path it will not be long before we are the new Zimbabwe.

POLICE TARGETS

A few months ago I was caught by police for not wearing a seat-belt on a short trip to get the morning paper (I normally walk but not this day). They filled in the documentation and drove back to base to collect their points and I went to the council to pay the fine. I refrained from asking why they weren't out chasing "real" criminals. But after they left a passer-by said that he had been in the town a few evenings earlier and a large group of youngsters were creating mayhem. Not a copper in sight. Possibly just a simple, small police presence was all that was needed.
Yesterday the head of the Police Federation hit the nail on the head when she said that government targets mean that some forces will make a playground incident between children a statistical "crime" (when in the past a quiet word would have done the trick, assuming police were involved at all). She said there is a growing perception that police are targetting "middle England" (and polite geriatrics) rather than dealing with more serious crimes (and proper thugs). How right she is. As she says there is nothing wrong with targets per se but they have to be the right targets.

And I'm certainly not saying that police shouldn't pull up people who are not wearing a seat-belt. Just that it's beginning to look as if police priorities are skewed towards dealing with this sort of offence at the expense of others. Jan Berry, the head in question, made a comment to the effect that police were "spending too much time inside counting things instead of outside doing things"

BBC AND THE QUEEN

Reports in yesterday's press claim that the BBC is preparing for the death of Elizabeth II by seeking out people who will be prepared to mount a critical attack on her on the night of her death. I am pleased to say they are not having much success so far. It seems even some famous people well known for a republican political stance are refusing either because of the personal qualities of our present monarch or because they find the timing distasteful. Perhaps they judge the likely mood of her people better than those smug BBC apparatniks. For myself I believe she has served this country well. I think Charles will do the same. President Tony with Presidentess Cherie would not only be a disaster but also a very expensive one.